Saturday, 19 November 2016

Helena's Day- A Random Short Story

Disclaimer: This story is pretty poorly written and there's probably errors everywhere tbh I haven't written fiction in forever. I hope you like it anyway...Just had some emotions to channel into something, y'know? Also, idk what I'm posting it here I couldn't think of anywhere else to put it. The name is awful. So is the ending. OK bye.  

Helena's Day

“Do you think I should text Reese back, I mean he keeps---Helena are you even listening?”
“Huh?” I replied, snapped out of my daydream. Rachel glared and me for a second then, sighed and turned her face away. “I was kind of listening”, I lied.

“No you weren’t…you’re unbelievable sometimes, you know that? You never listen to me”. Rachel stood up, fixed her school skirt and started to walk away. I think she expected me to go after her because she stopped, and began walking again when I didn’t budge.

Honestly, she was right. I never listened to her. I’m wasn’t even a hundred percent sure who Reese was. I had an idea but, I don’t think I’d ever be able to match his name to a face.  I didn’t care who he was and what he kept doing. I don’t think I ever really cared about Rachel either. The truth is, I don’t think I can feel any sort of emotion. I used to be able to. A few years ago...I don’t know what changed. I see other girls my age, crying over boys, screaming over clothes and giggling until they produce tears that smear their make-up. Me? I don’t feel any of that. I can act if I really need to.
Maybe it’s because my parents are never around? And when they are, they’re just as cold as I am. I kicked some fallen leaves out of my way, on the walk home. They blew out onto the street and I followed them. I had to cross here anyway. Suddenly, I heard a scream, the squeak of brakes and a force knocked me off my feet.

I looked up, after a few seconds and saw a tall, blonde guy, not much older than myself on his knees next to me. He was breathing heavily. “Are you ok?” I asked. He looked up at me and smiled. “Yeah are you?” “I think so”. I looked over to where I crossed the street, to see a bus with a group of people huddled around it. The boy got to his feet and pulled me up after him. “My name’s Eli” he said. “Helena” I replied. “Did you save me from that?” Eli looked towards the bus and then looked away. “I guess so” he replied. “Thanks for the concern by the way” he laughed. I thought for a second about what he meant and then realised I was concerned. I felt something.

“Hey, come on I wanna show you something cool” Eli said, walking towards the side walk. Confused and slightly dazed about what just happened, I followed. We walked through the town for what seemed like forever. “Where are we going?” I asked. “This way” he beckoned towards a dirt path. I hesitated for a second then followed. This day couldn’t get any weirder.

Eli opened a gate and led me into a garden. “Wow”, I said almost breathlessly. “Aren’t you just amazed?” Eli asked, as he brushed past me and sat down on a bench. “I guess I am” I said, realising this new feeling. I sat down next to Eli. “When did they build this garden?” I asked. Eli scoffed. “It’s been here forever”. I shook my head, “It can’t have been. I would have known about it.” “It’s always been here Helena”, “…but how could it be-“. Eli cut me off, “Just because it’s something you don’t know of, doesn’t mean you have to deny its existence”.

I sighed and looked around. There was a huge tree over near the wall, a type I hadn’t seen before. It had a dark exterior, which almost looked black and deep green leaves. It didn’t look like an evergreen. “Shouldn’t its leaves be orange and falling off?” I asked, out loud. “What?” Eli turned to me. “That tree…it’s autumn why aren’t it’s leaves dying?” Eli followed my line of vision. “There is no tree there” he said. I looked at him. It was my turn to scoff. “Are you blind? It’s right there” I pointed to the tree. “There’s nothing there, Helena” Eli stood up, “Come on it’s time for us to leave”. “I’m not leaving until you stop fooling around…the tree-“ “Helena there is no tree”. “You really can’t see it? You’re crazy” I said, looking at him with disbelief. “At least I’m not in denial about it” he retorted. Another feeling. Eli walked out of the garden, while I took a moment to think about what just happened.

I followed Eli, after a few minutes. He was leaning against a black, fancy looking car. He waved me over. “Eli what the hell? Get away from whoever’s car that is” I said. “It’s my car” he beamed. “Hop in”. I looked at him intensely. “What are you talking about? We walked here how is this your car”. He smirked, “it’s mine now”. He grabbed my arm and pushed me into the passenger seat and closed the door. Eli walked around the car and entered on the driver’s side. He made himself comfortable and started the engine. “Do you even have a licence?” I asked, noting again how young he looked. “Nope” he said as he started to drive. Suddenly, I found myself enraged. “Eli what the hell? Let me out of this car” I shouted. “Calm down Helena” he said calmly as he picked up some speed. “Calm down? How can I calm down? You’ve just led me out to the middle of nowhere, stolen someone’s car and now we’re driving without a licence…I almost died today once already”.  Eli chuckled. “Chill out. We’re here anyway”.

Eli pulled over, in front of what seemed like a bar. I hadn’t noticed it had gotten dark. “What are we doing here? We’re not even old enough to drink”, I rubbed my temples. I had really had enough of Eli today. Eli didn’t respond and exited the car. He opened my door for me and I reluctantly stepped out. Eli walked into the bar with no hassle and I went to follow him.

“Hold up, girl” a man dressed in all black, blocked my way with his arm. “How old are you miss?” “I’m…uh…21” I said. “And I’m Prince Harry. Get outta here”, the man pushed me back with his arm. “No you don’t understand” I protested. “My friend is in there. Please I don’t know where I am”. The man ignored me. I called Eli’s name but, he didn’t come back. I turned to the man again. “Please just let me in to get my friend. I can’t stay out here alone” I begged. “What did I tell you girl?” the man said, sternly. “Get outta here”. “I have money” I offered. “I can pay my way in”. The man squared up to me. “Listen kid, no amount of bargaining is gonna make me change my mind. No get the hell outta here before I really lose my temper”. He shoved me away, and a fell backwards.
Some punters smoking outside saw and laughed. I picked myself off the ground, snivelling. I had to wait for Eli, I didn’t know how to get home. I walked a short distance down the street and sat down on a bench. “What am I gonna do?” I thought. “I’m out here all alone, anything could happen. Why was I so stupid to go off with a stranger? I wish that bus had hit me now”. I started to sob into my hands. Why could I suddenly feel everything? What was going on? I cried, in the cold for what seemed like hours.

I felt a presence behind me. “Hey”. It was Eli. “I want to go home” I sobbed. “Ok” he said, “but I have one last thing I need to show you first”. “No…no more…trips” I said, wiping the tears from my eyes. “I’ve had enough of this day…I’ve had enough of everything. I’m done”. “This one is really important”, Eli said, softly.

Eli and I sat in silence, as we drove. After, maybe an hour, Eli pulled into a hospital. Finally, somewhere I recognised. “What are we doing here?” I asked. “We’ve come to see someone” Eli replied. Eli led me through several corridors and we finally arrived at a dimly lit room, with some people gathered around a bed. Eli gestured for me to enter. My heart stopped. “M-mom?” My mother was huddled in my father’s arms sobbing. A nurse, and some aunts and uncles bowed their heads. I peered through the darkness to see another figure, sitting in a corner alone. “Rachel” I gasped. My eyes darted back to the bed, to see my own lifeless body being covered up by the nurse. I stepped back, mouth open.

“I’m sorry Helena”, Eli placed a hand on my shoulder. “But what…how…mom?” I reached out to my mother. “They can’t see or hear us” Eli said, softly. “And the bus…it…”. I ran out of the room, trying to catch my breath, then collapsed, sobbing. Eli wrapped his arms around me.

A few hours later, after I said a silent goodbye to everyone in the room, Eli and I returned to the car. I thought about what had happened and the day started to make sense. I felt free, unburdened, I could feel again. Eli had been quiet for a long time. I felt I should speak up. “It’s ok y’know. I wasn’t happy…I don’t feel…empty anymore.” “Yeah…I get it” he replied. He gave me a brief smile. I smiled back at him. “So where to, now?” 

Monday, 20 June 2016

I Regret Nothing..

So, in case you haven't heard..I complain about college..a lot. I complain about how much I hate it there..I complain about the people there..I complain about how shitty the rolls are and how I can't eat anything but the soup..the soup is everything. I've been kind of sailing through this year thinking "I don't hate social care at all, everything I thought I wanted is a pile of crap but, I'm too scared to leave..surprise work placement oh God". And then I actually did some studying for my summer exams, passed and am now finishing up my first work placement. And it's fucking amazing.

You know that feeling when you've been staring at someone's plate of food, and after what feels like forever they finally offer you some but, then they decide they're actually full and you get to eat their leftovers? It's like that but, less gross. Actually no, it's been kind of gross.

So yeah, I've had people throw up on me, sneeze on me, splash me with river water and mud and bleed on me whilst I tried to remember my shitty first aid. But to combat that, I've had people actually tell me they appreciate what I've done for them. It could be something, as huge (for me) as leading a whole group of people through town, without anyone dying or something as little as spending an hour and twenty minutes teaching someone how to recognise the letter "B", but it's huge for some people. The actual look on their faces when they've achieved something they've wanted, is so heartwarming. To be honest, it makes me cry a little.

I've always had a kind of maternal side to me. People don't leave the house without hoodies or get away with not letting me know they've got home safe. It's something that's probably bugged friends of mine for years. But now, that side of me is actually praised and I'm told "We need more like you". That's pretty crazy.

I guess what I'm trying to, badly, say is, it's nice to feel part of something bigger. Sure, I've only been working for just over 2 months but, the things myself and other's have done and taught are skills and memories that'll exist within other people for weeks, months or even years to come. And I think that's pretty sweet.

Sorry, I just had to go on a little ramble about how happy I am. For once, I regret nothing.


PS; I've also been offered work in Canada which is actually insane.

Sunday, 3 April 2016

What Are Friends?

Have you ever wondered why you talk to the people you do? Why certain people in your life will take precedence over others? Why do we have friends? And more importantly makes a friendship good? I'm sure you all have your, friends, good friends and possibly best friends. Who are these people and why do we care so much? Think about it. What makes your friends special?

What even makes someone a good friend? Is it someone who texts you at any hour to go out, or is it someone who texts you at any hour because they have a new theory about their favourite TV show? Is it someone who tells you to keep going when things get tough, or someone who tells you to admit your defeat, if it's making you miserable? Do they get mad that you hung out with someone else or, are they just happy you socialised? Will they stay up on the phone with you all night because, you're not feeling well or do they come visit you the next day? Do they look back on your arguments and laugh or have you never had one in the first place? Or do you simply hang out with them because, none of that matters and you just want people to be around?

Everything in our world, now a days, is so fake. Social media doesn't exactly help the situation. I don't know how many times people have made up this great looking life on Facebook, when I know they're miserable in real life. People complain everyday that reality TV is scripted and fake. But when you think about it, our lives are kind of the same. People follow this life script of, being born, going to school, college and then working until they're old enough to sit back and think about how shit their lives were. I've talked to someone I very much respect about this topic, and he said the only solace he could find was, in his friends and family.

This is all great and all but, look at out generation. We're all so two faced. Best friends and sharing personal stories one minute, and bitching and throwing shade at each other the next. Where do we find our solace? Honestly, I think it's better to have one real friend than 10 fake ones. Trust me, I've been there. I think we all need to take a step back sometimes and think about who is there for us, who actually gives a's hard to even find someone to ask you how you are and, mean it these days. Is your best friend really your best friend? Or is there someone else quietly rooting for you in the background? Who knows?

I guess there's only one way to find out..


Friday, 25 March 2016

Words Are Hard

Is it over? Is 2015 really over?

Hi there. Remember me? I'm that girl who can never seem to stay quiet and then randomly re-appears, four years later. Excuse me, whilst I brush the dust off my keyboard.

(I figure I can be brutally honest here, it's not like anyone is going to read this after all this time XD)

When I started this blog in 2011, or whatever year it was, I never expected things to work out like they did. This was all meant to be strictly personal; for the odd stranger who didn't actually care, to read. I never expected anyone to read what I had to say, never mind, announcing to my friends that it was me writing this. To put that into context, when I started writing "seriously", I would link my own work to people I trusted, at the time, and they seemed to enjoy it. So eventually, I decided to let it out that it was actually me talking. And that's when the idea of "Zoe" was officially born. People started to refer to me as that both in real life, and online. Which was fine, until I started doing it myself.

I've never been good at words. I've never been good at putting across what I have to say in an effective manner. I can never say what I'm feeling in that moment, and I'll bottle it up, until a few tiny issues that could be easily fixed become, a well structured essay of emotion in someone's message box. And so, that's when Zoe came into play.

It started as a joke. I'd talk about myself from Zoe's perspective. It was like having a best friend who would let other's know you were having a bad day and to go easy on you. But, I was doing it myself, This is all very confusing to talk about now. This stopped eventually but, I was never really able to let go of that shield that was Zoe. I always had to have a guard up. And in case you hadn't noticed, I stopped writing. I decided I had to channel my creativity into something, so I started doing YouTube, under my own name. It feels more real. It's strange.

I digress. I'm still not good with words. It gets to that point where you're near bursting point and you either decide to let it out, or take a step back and let things mellow out. From experience, I can tell you neither are a good option. If you go all out, guns blazing, that's more than likely not going to end well. If it let it mellow and hope it'll all just go away, you're just going to end up pushing people away, if you're in any way like me.

But what happens, when you're feeling ready to put yourself back into that situation, after a few weeks? People are wondering what'd happened, they're angry, they're planning social events without you and you find yourself more lost than before. All because, you shut everyone out and you're now, "moody". Hurts doesn't it? But who can blame them? Remember how you felt when they didn't respond to your messages or efforts to hang out with them?

This is an internal struggle I've had for years. I don't want to hurt anyone but, end up doing it anyway.

If college this year has taught me anything it's that you're never going to be able to keep everyone happy. If you do somehow manage to do that, you're going to be miserable yourself. Where do you draw the line? I've decided to start seeing a counsellor to try help me figure that one out.

However, I don't think they'll be able to help me stop everything I say, getting taken out of context. One of the many joys of being a creator. And not good with words.


Friday, 6 November 2015

"I don't work here"

Hey guys, long time no talk! Sorry for the long gap but, I've been really busy with college work. Or trying to convince myself that, I've been really busy with college work. Either way, my absence was college related.

But, do you know what a long gap means?


So, a couple of days ago I had a day off from college, and I decided to go shopping for an outfit for a wedding, I've been invited to. I was in the dressing room, waiting for my mother to try something on and this old lady approaches me and starts asking for my opinion on a blouse and whether or not she could try it on. So, I had to awkwardly (and politely as I could manage), explain that I didn't work there. And of course she had to get all embarrassed. And made me feel bad.

A little while later, I headed to a book store to get a book for college. I was just browsing around and minding my own business when, another old lady approached me. And of course, for some reason, she as well started asking if I worked there and started giving me a description of a book she wanted for her granddaughter, or something. She didn't exactly give me time to explain, I didn't work there but, I had a rough idea of what she was looking for so, being a good citizen, I pointed her in the right direction.

I went back to looking for what I wanted, and another old lady who, must have seen me helping the other one (Why am I so attractive to old women? I'm not chicken), called me over to show her how to use the ATM. I was fine with this, of course. Until she started pressing the cancel button instead of enter, every time she entered her pin. Every fucking time. I'm not even joking, I was with this woman for a good 15 minutes. Eventually, she got the money she wanted.

I spent so much time helping all these old women that, I actually forgot what I needed and left without getting it. I hope these old women return the favour some day and help me when I'm on the streets because, I couldn't pass my exams because, they distracted me from getting my books. *sigh*

Seriously, I should've at least gotten minimum wage..


Friday, 2 October 2015

College Thoughts...A Month On

Oh, hey. Didn't see you there. I was too busy being a college student. Yeah, that's right. It's been a month and I'm still there. I'm actually really enjoying it this time around. I'm a class rep, I have an account in the library, I have older women to eat carrot cake with. I'm pretty much living the dream. 

However, the thoughts of not getting to do law next semester and academic writing classes do kind of put a downer on the whole thing. And group projects, don't even get me started on those. Lordy. For some reason, one of the ladies in my group thinks I'm an editor. Has she even read these blogs? Obviously not. Proof reading isn't exactly my specialty. 

I am enjoying being a rep though. It's surprising the instant popularity you gain among your classmates. Damn vultures. On the plus side, I'm getting a free hotel lunch next week and apparently free hoodies. Someone mentioned getting hoodies for our class but, I'm not sure yet. Hoodies for dayyyys. Also, hot chocolate Fridays are now "don't have lunch save your money to have hot chocolate because you're addicted it" everydays. What the hell am I even talking about. 

I'm sorry I know this update was really fucking weird and short. I think all my writing skills have gone into reflective writing for college (lol what skills).

Anyway, I will hopefully be back soon with something better. Which, to be honest, shouldn't be too hard.


Thursday, 3 September 2015

Pre-College Thoughts

So, I was getting all my stuff together for college registration day tomorrow, and I found all my notes from my course last year. Which, in a way, was kind of sad. I went through all the effort of getting all my shit together, to realise I really didn't have my shit together at all. I was so nervous last year about, having to meet people, being too shy to join societies and whether or not I was even going to like the course.

This time tomorrow, I'll officially be a college student. Again. And to be honest, I really couldn't give two shits. I'm not nervous, I'm not scared, which is probably a good thing. I met people last year who were trying college for the second time, and they were so cool about it. So, does this mean that this year, I get to be the cool one? Probably not.

Since I'm doing social studies, I don't think I'm allowed have a "I'm not really that bothered" attitude. What if I carry this attitude through the whole course and into my future career and I get fired for telling all my patients to "chill out man, your problems are so irrelevant to the universe"?

I just hope that the really grumpy, old lady who had to take my photo last year is...gone. To me, she was the definition of cray. All the takers..were fine and just got their jobs done, while she was screaming at everyone to move their chair slightly to the left or right. And then has the cheek to say, it was our fault the photos took so long. I actually had a bit of a bonding moment with a classmate about how much of a bitch she was. The old lady, not the classmate.

So, I would like to wish those of you, starting new colleges or schools the very best of luck.